Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Hockey Night in Latvia or What Would Don Cherry Say?

The recent World Hockey Championships (I refuse to add the adjective "ice" even if it is part of the official title; anyone who believes the excitement in Riga these past few weeks has been all about FIELD hockey has obviously caught one too many balls in the ear) are over.

As with all tournaments, there were winners and there were losers. That's of no concern to us today. What we're going to talk about is THAT SWEDISH GUY WHO CROSS-CHECKED SIDNEY CROSBY IN THE FACE.



(Exhibit A: Sidney Crosby, in the halcyon days before he was cross-checked in the face.) In brief, the Swedes were well ahead, Crosby scored to make it 5-3, he was celebrating his goal, and Sweden's Mika Hannula cross-checked him in the jaw.

You're expecting me to get all up in arms about this, but actually, I'm just wondering what celebrated Canadian hockey commentator (I can't believe I just wrote that; that's the equivalent of "celebrated Andean pan-flute commentator") Don "Grapes" Cherry must have had to say about Crosby getting nailed by a Chicken Swede.

That's Cherry's own term, as you may have guessed. He's a former player and coach who really came into his own as a commentator. He also owns a chain of restaurants, including one in my home town (full disclosure: my cousin works there).

His beef with Swedes (and all Europeans) was always that they were wimps:


Grapes' love for Canadian players can only be matched by his disdain for European players. Over the years, Cherry has questioned Euros' heart, made fun of their names and chastised them for introducing diving and visors to the NHL.


So the Crosby hit must have left him torn. Sure, it was perpetrated by a Chicken Swede, but it was Cherry's kind of hockey: violent.

And then, I found this quote - it's Cherry talking about Crosby back when Crosby was playing in the Quebec Major Junior League:

Listen, I like the kid. I see the way he plays and everything. But I’ve seen him now after goals; he slides on the ice, on his knees. And we’ve got something here. You talk about hot-dogging. I think it was 5-0. Yeah, it was 5-0. And Quebec Ramparts are gonna remember this one. Now watch what he does here. This is a hot dog move….Quebec is gonna remember that. The next time they play this kid they’ll be after him. He’s gonna get hurt. They’re gonna grab the mustard and put it all over him.




For the record, I'm not sure what "grab the mustard" means in the context of hockey. If it were the fans he were talking about, I would assume he meant they would, literally, throw mustard on Crosby, but I think he's talking about the players who are generally discouraged from bringing condiments onto the ice. (Exhibit B: putting the 'tard' in mustard.)

And can you "hotdog" when your team is behind by two goals? I think not. So all my googling has been in vain - I still don't know what Don Cherry would say about this situation, but I bet I've accomplished one thing.

I've convinced you that YOU DON'T CARE what Cherry would have said about this, or anything else.

My work here is done.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006




Dog's dinner

You'll never believe what those whacky New Yorkers are up to now. They're TAKING THEIR DOGS INTO RESTAURANTS!

I know! It's off the hook!

DOGS in RESTAURANTS.

Okay, let's get real. I've spent almost a decade in a country where not only are dogs allowed in restaurants, they're allowed in the kitchens of restaurants, and they're generally served before their owners even get menus. Why, I'm positive one night at Akropolis A DOG COOKED MY MEAL. (I'm a little blurry on the details, but I definitely saw a Great Dane in the kitchen and my garlic soup was decidedly sub par, so YOU do the math.)

These New York dogs are not just pets, of course. They're "emotional support dogs" and they're doctor-certified.



...recently a number of New York restaurateurs have noticed a surge in the number of diners seeking to bring dogs inside for emotional support, where previously restaurants had accommodated only dogs for the blind.



I understand the purpose of a seeing eye dog in a restaurant, but what "emotional support" can a dog offer someone disappointed with their entree? Can the dog pick up the check? Talk his way in without a reservation? Demand the soup be reheated? I don't think so.

Dogs in restaurants, in my experience, drool on your leg and make goo-goo eyes at your food. If that's your definition of "emotional support" more power to you, emotional stability is waiting for you at the pound.

Not that I oppose dogs in restaurants. I HEART dogs in restaurants. And in beer gardens. And on trams. And in the workplace. I think dogs should be scattered around rooms like cushions. But I don't think you should need a doctor's note -- a prescription, really -- to bring one along with you. (Although I like the idea of going to the drugstore, presenting my slip of paper, and being handed a poodle. Possibly in a large, time-release capsule.)

What I'm saying is...I'm glad I live in Prague. Somehow, no matter what the topic, that what I always seem to be saying.


Saturday, May 06, 2006


Canadian Politics, Yet Again

It's a beautiful morning in Prague, the sun is shining, the tourists are touring, the river has receded to a more picturesque level, and as I gaze out my window, a thought occurs: what is the new Canadian prime minister really like?

Knowing that for some of you I am the last word on all things Canadian (and the first word, and all the many slurry words in between) I realize I've been remiss in not providing you with some information on our new PM, so today, I'll try to remedy that. [Googles: "harper canada what like?" Tries again without the question mark]

Stephen Harper is head of the Conservative Party in Canada (or whatever they're calling themselves these days, I lost track after Preston Manning left the scene, he was the head of the right wing Reform party whose speeches were said to have been a lot better in the original German).

According to my "research" Harper is the spit of Tony Blair: a premier "in his mid-'40s with a self-possessed wife and appealing children" (Note to self: would exorcism help the self-possessed? Google later).

He is also the mirror image of Australia's John Howard (he apparently stole his entire campaign strategy from Howard, simply by saying "Canadians" wherever Howard said "Australians.")

He is, I've read, neither telegenic nor charismatic.

He looks (this is my own opinion) like he's part Husky (check out those eyes).

He thinks Canada is a Northern European welfare state "in the worst sense of the term" and is a vocal admirer of George W. Bush's America, as in "I don't know all the facts on Iraq, but I think we should work closely with the Americans."

He is, according to one insightful opinion offered by a reader of McLean's magazine (think of it as a less cerebral Newsweek) "like every other politician before him, sometimes good, sometimes bad."

He doesn't believe in gay marriage but he does believe in Stockwell Day, his Minister of Public Safety, who, in his turn, believes:

1) The earth is 6,000 years old
2) Adam and Eve were real people
3) Humans and dinosaurs co-existed; and
4) There's as much evidence for creation as evolution

So there you have it: the new Canadian PM is Tony Blair, John Howard, George Bush and every other politician who has ever existed rolled into one.

I hope that helped.