A professor at Florida State University (whose name is apparently Doron Nof, and yeah, it sounds like an April Fools joke, but I tried spelling it backwards and it doesn't spell anything so I'm guessing it's real) says that rather than walking on water, Jesus may have walked on a freak ice patch that formed on the Sea of Galilee during cold periods that occurred between 2,500 and 1,500 years ago.
Extrapolating wildly from this hypothesis, which is pretty wild to begin with, I'm going to suggest that Jesus may have not just walked on ice, he may have played hockey. In the Galilee League. With a few of the apostles. Using unleavened bread for pucks.
That would make the Virgin Mary a hockey mom: getting up at dawn to take Jesus to practice, packing his equipment bag, organizing fundraisers - like donkey washes - to buy uniforms, screaming abuse at the other children, telling Jesus he should learn to puck handle like his cousin John ("The Baptist").
I've created a "Skating Jesus" prototype to cash in on this theory, because what's the use of a theory if you can't cash in on it?
Those of you who would like to know more about Nof's ideas, but whose subscriptions to the Paleolimnological Journal have expired, can find his article here.
2 comments:
i believe that jesus not only played hockey, but also performed these other miracles:
1. chilled canaan-cola to a more drinkable temperature
2. reliably transported human organs for transplant without spoilage
3. created reasonably kick-ass stage effects for bethlehem metal bands on tight budgets
4. gave children in hilly, grassy regions something to slide down hills on
5. created spear-like thingamabobs that could be plucked off building overhangs and used to smite assyrians, after which the incriminating murder weapon would disappear if held in the hand for long enough
6. gave n.y. city street vendors something to shave and mix with fruity flavors for summertime refreshment
these and many other miracles did our lord jesus maketh. maketh with the praise already, asshole.
this is good stuff. but what really intrigues me is that if these are "other miracles" then you consider playing hockey a miracle in itself. which, perhaps, it is.
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